a man I'll never be...

why?

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 19:27:36 GMT

Why oh god why do I keep jumping into relationships? It just seems like every relationship I get into, I try to get over the previous relationship and all it really does is carry the problems from the first into the next one. After Nicole, I felt like I was ready and done with them for awhile, but low and behold I meet such a sweet and nice young woman named samantha, who is great, but she's not the one for me. She might be nice, but she's too critical. I need become much more of a solitary person and I have much of myself to develop before I can be happy and fully functional in a relationship. I have much to learn before I can commit myself to something like that. I see too much of my ex in her and to be completely honest when I talked to her sometimes. I need to stop doing this.

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 08:25:22 GMT

If only I could find a way
I'd feel like I'm the man you believe I am
And it gets harder every day for me
To hide behind this dream you see

so...

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 10:16:36 GMT

I go to Argentina tomorrow... I should be excited right? for an entire spring break.

Destiny, Eternity, Beyond, Darkness....

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 08:34:33 GMT

I never really thought about it until now but, I've come so far from simply the self depricating, depressed, awkward, nervous, and self conscious person I was so long ago. Now that I'm twenty and comming the cusp of being the big twenty one, I feel like I'm happy now. While there's many things in my life that I regret, all of them have shaped me in to the person I am now. I think being able to take a breath and move on makes me a stronger person in the long run. I love my friends now, I love my family and I love myself. Life, seriously, is quite miraculous

joining the lj runion bandwagon

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 13:11:10 GMT

So I guess its been a really long time since I posted last. Well I guess a lot and not a lot has changed since then. About three weeks ago, my now ex-girlfriend, broke up with me. I mean personally it was a trip and a half. For a bit over a year, I tried really hard to maintain and love a girl who had and still has border line personality disorder which I didn't find out until later in the relationship. Her flaws were overwhelming, she was (and probably still is) insecure, angry, depressed, emotionally abusive, pessimistic, and unfufiling. Sounds like a real winner when it comes to . Needless to say, it was as much interesting as traumatic.

The infamous events as she called it, May 4th was the ending testament to the relationship and that was almost a year ago. We got in a huge agrument after my birthday party. I couldn't stop, all the pent up emotional abuse was comming right back at her. By the end of the night, she cut herself and then ended up in her going to the hospital for a possible 50-150 which she, to this day, still blames me for. Yes, my actions did not contribute to the prevention of this event as I said things I regret, but her roommates called the authorties were only called in because she was hitting me and kicking me physically. Its a night I dread to think about and my biggest mistake was trying to keep things going with her.

The next months would be full of several break ups and a very empty relatonship. I tried to keep things going and she would occassionally try to come back to me, but in her mind, I was the cause of her demise. I "put" her in the hospital which she reminded me for so long. I felt like I did for a while. I broke up with her in august and she wouldn't let me go. She tried to kill herself with medication and I'm sure theres a part of her who blames me for that ordeal. I could kinda hear it in her voice a few times.

I look back on the whole relationship and I don't know who I blame. I felt like at the beginning I could have been this knight in shinning armor that was going to be able to love her and change her life, but in the end... well I don't really know. Shes a testament of my life I look back upon and feel like how I survived such mindfuck of a relationship and how put up with it for so long. Sex and alcohol is a crutch for her so I can assume thats what shes probably doing one or both right now which bothers me, but it's probably good for her. I kinda miss her, mostly the sexual part, but really she was such an unfufiling lover, selfish and self concious, attractive, but that only goes so far.

I know she's getting better, my biggest regret is that I said I love you back because I never really loved her. I'd like to pretend I do, but after the way I was treated for so long, it was impossible to actually love someone like that. There was a lot of strong feelings, but love wasn't one of them.

Though I miss aspects of the comfort level and I'm still very angry about a lot of things from the past, but truthfully I'm happy its finally over.

Hello Internet! I'm making a video game!

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 10:05:57 GMT

I like to call it my greatest creation... Zombie Hero.

It's basically a 2d zombie survival game, but it's going to have rpg elements where each level you can improve your skills. I'm happy that I've been getting alot of support for the game. My good friend Erin who is also a wonderful artisit is getting art for cutscenes and other stuff I can't pixelate. I did all the pixel art myself as well as the game itself so far. I'm not sure when exactly I'm going to be done, but it'll be done when its done. And if anyones interested in trying this thing out, like with testing, art, story suggestions, creepy "braaaiiins" sounds ect. just email me or im me.

Oh yeah if anyone wants to be a voice actor. well that would be greatly appreciated! :-D

the glory which is the... hold... steady...

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 09:45:17 GMT

..lost in fog and love and faith was fear,
I've had kisses that make Judas seem sincere.

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 10:03:40 GMT

I think I just witnessed the reason why I will never fall in love until at least Im out of college. It was nameless person, but he was angry yelling very loudly at around 1:30 am and there was a girl was crying chasing after him. I assume that she cheated on him. But, I never want to be him... ever. I don't want that hopeless feeling being attached to somebody ever again. I want to live my life first before anyone elses. Even if I am hurt, it will never be that badly. I want to be sure. very sure...

i heart life

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 22:35:51 GMT

best night/weekend/night ever.

dammit!

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 08:37:05 GMT

I feel live I've been wasting so much fucking time on something over the past month now.

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 04:31:19 GMT

i feel so used...

fuck...

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 08:13:03 GMT

god knows im not going to sleep tonight.

i'm not anything your looking for

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 08:48:03 GMT

oh dont worry, i love my girls with more bagage than a 747 heading to hong kong.

ugggggggggh

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 11:11:00 GMT

You know those girls who seem like they’re really cool… until you realize that everything that’s cool about them is something they sucked out of their ex-boyfriends? You know the girls I’m talking about: those Vampire Girls…

i made a song today

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 00:59:42 GMT

www.geocities.com/furthing45/neveragain.mod

its small only 8kb, but it only runs on certain programs like winamp.

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 08:04:36 GMT

Aren't there just days in your life where you'd wish, god I wish I saved minutes before hand?
If only life was a video game.

Thats right...

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 10:48:24 GMT

I'm starting to make another video game. After about a 3 year break, I'm going to start to make a new game. Let's just say its going to be a sick Action-RPG thats going to be made with Multimedia Fusion. I'll update more on Myspace and a new website if anyones at all interested. I'll put up screens and more information with in a month or so. I'm going to try and finish this game by the end of May 2006. I'll have more updates soon.

Also if anyone at all interested in this please email, message, comment or whatever. I'd like to hear anyone's input, suggestions, ect.

...

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 10:42:29 GMT

sweet sickness again.

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 09:59:15 GMT

happy 15th birthday internet!

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 03:00:27 GMT

Happy freakin Turkey Day!

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 07:15:20 GMT

I feel like Steve Steve Buscemi in the movie Ghost World.

Godd helppp meeee!!!1

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 02:22:24 GMT

off to college in 10 days! freakin sweet!

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 21:29:42 GMT

Graduation! yay!

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 03:22:14 GMT

I'll admit, online comic strips for the most part suck alot of ass. Except for a few pretty classic ones, they are just unfunny pieces of garbage that are both waste of time and life. But, this one just is the funniest thing I have ever seen, ever. I mean its just so practical its freakin hilarious.

http://www.cheston.com/pbf/archive.html

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 05:53:03 GMT

Holy crap... one more day of realy school.